So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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