Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
