I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
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