I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
