oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
