I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
