In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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