My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I intend to get homeless drunk
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
