I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
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