I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
