Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
