Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Randomize
