If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
