Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
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