Moan for me like Helen Keller
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
That was before I lit my hair on fire
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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