I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Then you guys just all showered together...?
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
