someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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