Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
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Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
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I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
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