sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Randomize
