so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
