i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
whose ass print is on the piano?
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Randomize
