Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
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You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
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He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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