I faked an abortion last night.
now i know why i became what i already was.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Randomize
