i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
