So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
