Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
