I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
