I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
