I looked at my own cervix.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
