Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
