R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
