The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
