this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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