she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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