just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
