I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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