You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
