you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
