Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
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