You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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