We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
