I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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