# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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