thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
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