I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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