mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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