A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Life without a bra equals bliss.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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