The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
