You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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