help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
