he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Randomize
