The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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